Lebanese sarcastic and hilarious stereotypes

Extracts from the Book: Life's... even more like that!

Gym Fanatic

Part of the mutual non-aggression pact between Rana and her husband of 15 years was that he never complained about or even questioned her simultaneous membership at Beirut's top two sports and fitness clubs. (In return, she never inquired about his whereabouts on Tuesday afternoons.) But there was a method to Rana's seeming madness. The two-hour sessions of Nautilus machine torture each Monday, Wednesday and Thursday were to get her in shape for the highlight of her week - an evening of pilates at her second sports club, under the oh-so-French personal direction of Marcel, 76 kilos of well-proportioned manhood from the tiny seaside town of Adult in Picardie. The bizarre habit of getting in shape before attending a fitness class was a practice she learned from her mother, who would have the maid clean her home from top to bottom before allowing in the contract cleaners at the beginning of each month. Thus Rana's dedication to the cause of getting in perfect shape allowed her to parade her toned and mildly muscular, though feminine, body in the front row of Marcel's weekly session. The immaculate, hour-old, $200 hairstyle at the beginning of each lesson put her apart from the rest of the class, as did the quality of her sportswear. Nothing flashy, revealing or vulgar like what those younger women wore. Yet the conservative (if almost snug fitting) outfit broadcast to the world at large, and Marcel in particular, the success of his system. And the crowning touch in demonstrating her devotion and sacrifice to him was seen in her disheveled locks at the end of a session and her sexily perspiring but radiant face. Oh happy Rana, that she could fantasize about what he was thinking as he paid his star pupil extra attention, bestowing on her the kindest and gentlest of smiles. Oh happier still that she never learned of his late-night workout sessions with his boyfriend.

Online Dater

To hell with Lebanese men! Who needs them and their macho hang ups? Rima is 30 and single and all her family are muttering that she's still unmarried. She had a close shave with her 4th cousin twice-removed, who, according to her aunt, "worked at a bank, had 16 months’ salary and could get an easy mortgage." Yeah, but he was also overweight, balding, had death breath and, tellingly enough, carried a nail clipper key chain. A-ba-dan. She heard about online dating in a magazine she read at De Belgrade coffee house in Hamra and immediately popped into the nearest internet café. Within half an hour she - or, should we say, DeleciousBeirutBabe - had been propositioned for cyber sex a dozen times - mostly by Indonesian men - and had caught the eye of a Viennese Lesbian who wanted to fly her out to Austria that weekend. Still Rima persevered and is now in an intriguing online relationship with Barry, a British plumber - AKA leak_plugger - from Croydon. He likes her exotic looks - they have exchanged photos - and "rare sense of family," while she admires the fact he left home at 18. Ah yes... he is married. She does not want to think about that too much, through, and in the meantime she's also "seeing" Bob, a highway patrolman from Texas, and Dayo, a Nigerian student in Istanbul. Barry has told her he loves her. She said it back. Why not? He is a real man with a real life and a proven commitment to family. He sends constant text messages and her relatives can't understand why she sits all alone in the corner on Sunday evening smiling at her cell phone. No wonder she never married, they confide.

Extracts from the Book: Life's... even more like that!